


Waiting For You

by Mel90



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Pining, Pon Farr, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-18 09:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7309666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mel90/pseuds/Mel90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock is about to take the logical path and leave for the colony to bond with someone of his father's choosing, meanwhile him and Jim are pining for each other, Bones thinks they are both fools and then something unexpected happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kaiidth

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm new here and this is my first fic in english in a while, so if you let me know about any mistakes you spot I'll really appreciate it.

Spock stood staring at the comm -his hand still forming the _ta'al_ \- long after his father’s face and voice disappeared. He knew the path that was about to be forged for him was the logical one. Even more, he was certain his father’s demands came directly from his concern. Sarek thought he was saving his son's life, and the probability that he was right increased every day.

He had hoped, however illogical that may be, that his hybrid blood, the very nature he had struggled with for so long, would spare him this -the shame and indignity of his people.

But it was not to be. _Kaiidth_. His counterpart had informed him and his father months ago that he had experienced _pon_ _farr_ no differently that any of his peers, even if his first Time came upon him slightly later in life.

From that moment he had known that eventually he would need to find a mate, and so had his father. The Ambassador had made it his mission to find his son a mate between what remained of his people. Spock had resisted, claiming it would be many years before that became a necessity, hoping again that he could at least finish the five-year mission before he had to leave everything he had fought for and settle in the colony with a mate.

Again, it was not to be. His father had just informed him there had been now 27 cases of unbonded males succumbing to their time years ahead of what was expected and while most of them had managed to find a mate and survive, Sarek was reasonably worried about his son, the only one of his people in a starship light years away from New Vulcan. He had asked if Spock had made any plans to bond should his time arrive -perhaps wondering about his son’s brief relationship with Lieutenant Uhura- and Spock had not lied. Even if _there was_ in fact someone he wished to bond to, the chances of that happening were so low that he refused to contemplate them any longer.

His father’s request was reasonable. Spock was to resign his commission in two months’ time, when the Enterprise’s upcoming missions would put her as close as it would be to the colony in the next year. Meanwhile Sarek would find him a mate, a female if at all possible (the need to repopulate never far from any Vulcan’s mind) but a male most likely (someone who lost his bondmate in Old Vulcan or someone like him, who thought they had years before their Time).

He knew he could refuse -he had gone against his father’s plans for him before. But it would only postpone the inevitable, and put him (and potentially anyone aboard the Enterprise) in danger.

But to leave the Enterprise, to leave _Jim_ …

_Kaiidth_.

 

 

Jim put his PADD aside with a sigh and then he had to roll his eyes at his teenage-with-a-crush attitude. Spock had canceled their nightly chess game. Again. This time he hadn´t even bothered to cite a lab experiment as an excuse. He had just said he ‘ _wouldn’t_ _be_ _available’_. This was the fourth night in a row. Not only that, but it was achingly obvious that he was avoiding Jim. He had stopped joining him for lunch, he had spent almost all their shared shifts that week in the labs, and he hadn’t sought him out later in his quarters to _‘inform him of his progress’_ (or rather, as Jim had thought, to talk about their day).

He bit his lip nervously as he remembered Spock’s hasty retreat as Jim had tried to catch up to him at the end of Alpha shift today. Or at lunch yesterday when he had left for the labs, his meal untouched, as soon as Jim and Bones had joined him.

-Stop moping already, it’s embarrassing -Bones had said gruffly.

-I’m not! -he had said indignantly.

Bones didn’t look impressed.

-Yes you are, you are also _pouting._

He kind of _was,_ but…

-Something is going on with him, Bones. He is _avoiding_ _me_!

The doctor let out a huff of irritation and turned his attention back to his meal.

-He probably has committed the full capacity of that computer he has as a brain to some all-important experiment and has decided things like eating or resting -or your kindergarten-level dating- can wait until it’s done.

My fork stopped halfway to my mouth.

-W-we ar-aren´t- he could feel himself blushing as he stammered like a fool.

He definitively had Bones’ full attention now.

-Come on, Jim. One would think we were past this by now.

-I’m serious!

Bones closed his eyes and whispered -I can’t believe you – and then he was giving Jim a half-glaring half-kind look- Then maybe I can. You are no better than the hobgoblin dealing with emotional shit, but he has a better excuse, being a Vulcan and all.

Jim gave him an imploring look and Bones sighed.

-OK, you mean to tell me there is nothing going on between the two of you?

-We are just friends!

-Are you sure? -he said not unkindly and Jim had to look away. But he had never been able to lie to Bones, and if someone had to know how hopelessly in love he was with his XO, there was no one better than his best friend.

- _Aha_! I knew it!

-He doesn’t see me like that -he said, gaze fixed on the table- and he doesn’t know that I do, if he knew it would make him uncomfortable and we wouldn’t be friends anymore -ha glared defiantly at his friend- and _yes,_ I realize I sound like a mooning teenager.

Bones made a valiant effort not to laugh.

-Jim, there is no one on this ship he lets get as close to him as he does you. I’m pretty sure he didn’t spend half as much time with Nyota when they were dating as he does with you on any given week. That’s why I’m not the only one that thinks there’s something between you two. You stopped flirting with every man, woman or alien that crosses your way. And you no longer spend your off-duty time in the rec room. Even _I_ have barely seen you this last few months– he muttered angrily to his plate.

-That’s because he _has_ _to_ Bones, he is my First Officer. Wait. Are you jealous?

-Don’t be ridiculous!

Jim gave Bones his best raised-eyebrows look (nowhere near as impressive as Spock’s) and then he had to laugh when his friend blushed slightly.

-Could it be that you have been missing me Bones?

-It’s been a while since you last came to pester me to Sick Bay, or came to drink my reserves away after a shift -he conceded somewhat embarrassed-. And you hadn’t said a word to me about you and him -he added more seriously.

-I’m sorry. I guess I just wanted to believe it would go away if I didn’t talk about it.

-Well, you are shit out of luck kiddo. That’s not how it works. Anyway, you should talk to him.

-Yeah, right. You can’t possible tell me I should what? Confess my _feelings_ to him? I don’t want him to know. He would logically and politely tell me to fuck off, our friendship would be gone, and our professional relationship would be awkward.

Bones gave him an eye roll.

-I can’t believe I’m doing this -he muttered- Don’t be so dramatic. And I told you, he is different around you.

-How?

-I don’t know! I don’t make it my job to psychoanalyze the green blooded computer like you do, he is just... _different_ with you. Less stand-offish, less cold, less robot like. I'm not saying he spends his time making puppy eyes at you like you do...

-Hey!

-...but he looks at you like he finds you _fascinating_ \- he spat the word out like it tasted bad.

Jim pushed his plate away, appetite gone.

-I'm sure it's just because I'm his friend, maybe the first he's ever had. Or because of my irritating illogicalness, more likely.

-That's not a word.

-Exactly.

-Look, Jim -he said kindly-. I won’t pretend to understand what you see in him. And that’s not because I don’t respect him or even like him -he added at Jim’s frown- and God help _you_ if you ever repeat that. But you went from being Jim Tomcat Kirk to behaving like a lovesick teen around _Spock_ of all people. It’s kinda weird. All I’m saying is, I think he feels _something_ for you (and whatever they say, you and I know the ‘Vulcans do not feel’ thing is bullshit). Whether it’s what you want him to feel or not, and whether he can admit it or not, you owe it to yourself and to him to find out. And if things don’t go like you want… well, I have a couple bottles of Saurian Brandy. And even then, he _is_ your friend. Give him more credit than to think he’ll tell you to ‘fuck off’ or whatever the Vulcan equivalent is. It might be awkward, but if you truly are friends that won’t change. And there’s nobody more professional than the hobgoblin -and with that he stood and picked up his tray to leave -. Just think about it, ok?


	2. Talking Through Walls

Spock had been meditating for 2.343 hours and he had yet to reach a decision, or at the very least an optimal state of mind. He kept seeing the hurt in Jim’s expressions as he had turned away from him after Alpha ship today, he could imagine the pain and confusion behind the casual answer to Spock’s new dismissal of their chess games.  
Avoiding the Captain was proving to be a time consuming endeavor. Spock had not truly realized how much time they had been expending together until he had tried to distance himself from Jim. It wasn’t that he didn’t desire to spend as much time as he had left on the Enterprise with him, but he wasn’t ready to inform him of his upcoming resignation. And for some reason, seeing him every day knowing those days were numbered made it harder to bear. But he couldn’t avoid him forever, Jim would eventually confront him about it and it would be a dishonor to their friendship to lie, even by omission.  
He couldn’t, no matter how much time he spent meditating, pinpoint the exact moment his friendship with Jim had become the thing that defined his days and haunted his evenings. He could, with his Vulcan memory, recall and examine all the moments his interactions with him had defied previous parameters, had morphed to break free of his expectations, as had Jim himself from the first moment they laid eyes on each other at the academic hearing. He knew that contempt had turned into respect and respect into admiration with every personal and professional interaction he had with his captain, who had shown himself to be a brilliant, brave, selfless and compassionate being not only on That Day but many times since.  
And even if he would have never believed that day that he would end up calling that irreverent, arrogant, illogical human a friend, he could admit that his counterpart’s words weren’t truly the reason he decided to join the Enterprise as Captain Kirk’s First Officer. It was because of his own reactions to the man, so unexpected and unclassifiable, that he had to follow him, to understand what it was in James Kirk that woke up something deep within himself.  
He knew now, he had found beneath their countless differences a kinship he had never hoped to find in another being. He had long resigned himself to be alien among both his father and his mother’s people. With Jim, for the first time, he wasn’t half anything but a whole being, just Spock. In Jim’s Enterprise, he belonged.  
So even if he didn’t know how exactly he had realized he and Jim were _t’hy’la_ (only when, that moment when he’d seen his life fade away behind the glass at the warp core), nor how he was so certain despite never having melded with him, turning away from him, with the bitter knowledge of everything they could be to each other, was the hardest thing he would ever had to do. He couldn’t burden him with the expectations of a bond that would be difficult to understand to a human, not when he knew Jim’s affection for him was limited by the bounds of friendship, something he was generous with and many enjoyed. He had hoped at first, when they had become close and had many missions together behind them, but Jim had never been shy with his desires, his flirtatious nature legendary, and if he had seen Spock in that light, he would have made it known to him. So he had the honor of being among his closest friends, perhaps only second to Dr. McCoy, and he would not betray that friendship with avoidance and silence any longer, but he would not burden it with his longing either. He would talk to Jim.

 

 

Jim didn’t need to think about it, no matter what Bones said, he wasn’t talking with Spock about his inappropriate feelings for him. They had something good, great even. He had never felt as close, as in tune with someone as he did with Spock. He had never felt like anything more than George Kirk’s shadow, Winona Kirk’s unwanted burden, Sam’s baggage that he had to leave behind to move on, Frank’s chore. In Spock’s friendship, Jim found the acceptance he had always craved, found someone who not only saw beyond his walls but was willing to allow Jim behind his own. He couldn’t risk that, asking for more would be greedy when he knew the Vulcan had already given him so much, made so many allowances for his human needs and his human nature.  
So he didn’t need to think about it, and yet -he thought irritated as he paced his quarters- he could think of nothing else. What if Bones was right? What if there was something more than friendship as the reason for Spock letting him get closer than anyone else?  
He had to talk to him anyway. To find out what was going on with him and how could he help. To get their friendship back on track. Maybe he could…  
No. He couldn’t risk losing him for anything. He would keep his love for himself as long as he had him by his side.

 

 

-Captain, may I speak with you?  
Jim looked up from his food with a startled look and a genuine smile.  
-Of course, Mr. Spock -he said gesturing to the seat across himself-. Have you eaten?  
Spock remained standing.  
-I do not require sustenance at the moment. Perhaps this can wait for a more opportune time -he said looking around at the many crew members having dinner at the mess hall. -This is a conversation better had in private, Jim.  
Jim started to get up and gather the rest of his meal. It had to be personal if he was calling him ‘Jim’.  
-I was pretty much done anyway, Spock. Let’s go to my quarters if that’s all right.  
-That would be adequate- he said with a nod as he stood aside waiting for Jim.

The walk to his quarters was silent, too silent, Jim mused as he walked into his room besides Spock. His friend seemed to have retreated into himself, and the only thing Jim could make of his body language was a vague air of resignation in his quiet steps, in the curve of his shoulders.  
-Talk to me Spock -he said when they were standing in front of each other-. Tell me what’s wrong.  
Jim’s heart sank with foreboding when he saw Spock visibly brace himself to speak.  
-Captain, -he started- Jim. I regret… -he paused and the emotional implications of that word weren’t lost on Jim- I regret to inform you of my upcoming resignation.  
-What?! -Jim wanted to yell but it was barely a whisper. He couldn’t have heard right. He took a step towards Spock before he realized. -Why?  
-I’m afraid is necessary. I would not do this otherwise.  
Jim couldn’t be imagining the sorrow in those dark eyes.  
-But why? Why is it necessary? Is it your father? Is he ill? Because you can take leave if you need it, you have a lot of time off accumulated. -he offered somewhat desperately.  
-My father is functioning at optimal health, as far as I know. And while he is facilitating and perhaps precipitating the proceedings, he is not the reason I must leave. And- he added seeing Jim’s questions about to interrupt- I am afraid I cannot explain completely.  
Jim could feel himself panicking. This couldn’t be happening. Spock couldn’t leave the Enterprise, couldn’t leave him.  
-Why not? Do you want to leave? There must be something that I can do...  
Spock visibly recoiled at that.  
-There is not. No matter how I would wish otherwise. I -he straightened and if it weren’t for his tightly fisted hands he would look completely composed- must leave the Enterprise in seven weeks’ time, when we pass near the colony. I will join my people and get bonded, my father is already making arrangements.  
Jim was beyond panic now and well on his way to being sick.  
-A bondmate? You are engaged to someone and never told me?  
He knew his indignation was unreasonable, they were just friends and Spock didn’t owe him his privacy. Yet the Vulcan looked away and seemed somewhat regretful.  
-I am not. All Vulcan children are preliminary bonded at the age of seven with someone of their parent’s choosing and they are expected to complete the bond when they reach maturity. My betrothed, whom I had not seen since our bonding, perished with our home planet. But now my father wants to find me a suitable mate since I’m approaching the age when is customary to formalize a bonding and the importance of all unbonded males and females to find partners is paramount.  
Jim wanted to scream and yet he forced himself to calm down. He needed to figure this out, even if all he wanted was to beg him not to leave. A friend wouldn’t do that.  
-So that’s it? You need to do your part to repopulate the species? -he laughed nervously- You hardly need to get married to some woman you don’t even know for that! -Spock remained silent- I mean, if you don’t want to -Still he said nothing-. Do you?  
-What I want is of no consequence, Jim. I have already given my agreement.  
Jim had to sit down. He wanted a drink but he needed to be clear headed for this.  
-So who is she? Your betrothed.  
Spock hesitated.  
-My father will inform me when he founds someone willing to bond to me.  
-Willing? You say that like it’s so difficult.  
-You know I was often… set aside by my peers.  
-I don’t understand Spock, why would you want to tie yourself to someone you don’t know and who may not want you? And _raise children_ with them?  
Spock looked uncomfortable and Jim had to wonder if his discomfort was that great that it showed despite all his iron control or if he knew him so well by this point that he could read what he would have missed before.  
-That is unlikely. Chances are 87.564 my father will find a male that, not unlike myself, lost his bondmate to Nero.  
The silence was deafening. Jim’s heart was racing, his palms sweating and he just _couldn’t understand_. They were _supposed_ to be together, share an epic friendship according to Old Spock. If he lost that…  
-If you don’t want to marry. If you don’t know this… -he swallowed hard- person. If the purpose it’s not to…. procreate, then why Spock? Why do you have to do this?


	3. A matter of trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It seems I have decided to hit all my favorite clishes on this =P.  
> Thanks for reading

_Why do you have to do this?_

Spock hadn't meant for the conversation to reach this point. He had intended to talk about Vulcan tradition, about honor and duty and the plight of his people. But he could not lie to Jim and say this was something he wanted, even if it would have made things easier. And his friend knew him too well, knew how to read between the lines of the truths Spock said, the ones he kept silent.

As Spock contemplated his next words, Jim -rarely particularly patient, even by human standards- started to pace back and forth in front of him and he could not help but admire the lines of his body, the power contained in every long stride.

-I believe -he started carefully and Jim came to stand in front of him- it is safe to say that necessity more often than not disagrees with desire.

Jim made a visible effort to control his frustration.

-But whose need are we talking about? Yours? Your people’s?

-In this case, they are the same.

-You know I wouldn’t stand in the way of neither, as your friend _or_ as your Captain. I am asking, as your friend, why do you have to go. But you are being even more cryptic than usual.

-You are correct, Jim. I apologize. This is a difficult subject for me to address, something not spoken of even between my people. A taboo if you would. Even now, after considerable meditation, I do not know how much to share with you.

Jim’s posture and expression softened, and he gave him a smile that after many months Spock had come to interpret as ‘sad’.

-It’s all right Spock, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to or if it’s hard. Just, I’m here if you want to ok? - _I’m here if you want me,_ his mind screamed- And maybe it would help. Either way, I’m your friend and would never pressure you. I just ask because I care. And you know me -he added somewhat self-depreciating- I’m a ‘persistent little shit’, like Bones says.

-I have found that to be one of your best qualities, Jim. I am grateful for your friendship -he paused a second to admire the blush that spread over his Captain’s cheeks- and I will think about what you said.

-Great -Jim smiled-. Now, what about some chess?

 

 

After that, things returned to normal between them, even if sometimes there was an undercurrent of tension underneath what before would have been a comfortable silence, reminding Jim that things were not really back to normal.

At least, Spock no longer avoided him. On the contrary, they were spending as much time together as ever, if not more. But they hadn’t spoken again about Spock’s leaving, and Jim had spent the better part of every night since their conversation watching the ceiling and contemplating what life without Spock would be like.

Surely a person that barely a year ago had tried to kill him shouldn’t be so important to Jim. But the truth was he had felt a spark of attraction the first moment he had laid eyes on the serious Vulcan -as he stood there and calmly accused him of cheating- and it had been downhill from there. There was something about him that just pulled at his heartstrings, and even back then when they couldn’t stop fighting he had been falling for the guy, had admired him and wanted his approval. Of course, meanwhile Spock probably hated him. By the time they had started to trust each other, and then became friends, Jim’s crush had turned into hopeless love. He had been secretly glad -even if it made him feel like an asshole- when Spock and Uhura broke up.

Not that it made any difference, as he was probably the last being on the universe Spock would want a relationship with. Sure, they were friends now and Jim knew how special that was, how unlikely it was for the Vulcan to give his friendship to someone like him. Jim had never felt so comfortable in his own skin as he was with Spock and he suspected it was somehow mutual. But being friends with your crazy illogical Captain and having a relationship are two completely different things.

-Captain, should we postpone this game until a more convenient time?

Spock’s voice startled Jim out of his depressing thoughts, and he realized he’d been spacing out, staring at Spock, for who knows how long. He was about to lose the second game in a row embarrassingly quickly. It had been a week since their conversation and he was sleeping less every day.

-No, Spock, I’m just a little tired, I guess. Didn’t get much sleep last night. But this helps me relax -he added hastily as Spock stood to leave.

-It’s been your turn to make a move for the past 12.5 minutes. Perhaps a cup of tea would be more helpful -he said going to the replicator-. It’s my understanding that humans find comfort in warm beverages when they are tired and restless.

Jim’s smile felt way too revealing.

-That sounds about right. Thank you, Spock -he said as he came back with two hot cups.

He extended his hand to take the drink and had to suppress a shudder when their fingers touched. When he looked up from his tea, Spock was looking at him intently and Jim couldn’t for the life of him read what was hidden in those dark eyes.

 

 

-Captain. Jim. I have meditated on your suggestion that talking to you about upcoming events will make them more bearable, and while I found no logical reason to support that theory… -he could feel his pulse raising and he ruthlessly suppressed the blush rushing to his cheeks- I find myself that I desire to, and so I must conclude that this inclination to make confidences is a natural progression of human friendship and I will try to abide by it.

He illogically felt as if Jim’s eyes were looking inside of him, seeing into his mind the secrets he had yet to reveal and the one he had no intention to. Despite his resolution, it took no small effort to find the words to continue.

-The reason I need to go to the colony to be bonded is a matter of biology. Of Vulcan biology. I told you that Vulcan children are bonded at the age of seven. This custom is born of necessity. This bond is weak, not yet a full mating bond. Just the potential for one. Parents choose a mate based primarily on mental compatibility, and the reason we are bonded so young is because prolonged contact between minds at an early age increases their compatibility, as high levels of compatibility are rare to find between young minds. This way parents ensure the child will have a suitable mate when the time comes when the forging of a full bond is imperative.

-Why not wait until they are old enough to choose a compatible mate by themselves?

-Because by providing them a mate they are ensuring their survival -Jim looked puzzled. Spock steeled himself to go on, but could not force himself to keep looking into his friend’s eyes-. All Vulcans reach full maturity when they experience their first _pon farr_ , the mating drive of our people, and when his or her Time has come, mating is a biological imperative that none can deny because doing so will mean certain death.

-What?! You mean, that if you don’t get married, I mean, bonded… you die? And you have it? _Pon farr_?

This time Spock’s control proved insufficient to prevent his blush.

-I assure you that is not the case, if it were there is no way we could be having this conversation. I have thought there was a chance I wouldn’t succumb to it, as I am half-human, but my counterpart has disabused me of that notion. Even then, it should be years before my Time is upon me but there seems to be a sudden onset of _pon farr_ between those who should not be experiencing it yet. My theory is that it is some sort of survival mechanism, pushing us towards reproduction in the face of possible extinction.

-So you are getting bonded… in case this happens to you too.

-That is correct.

-Wait. Reproduction? -Jim eyes were wide- So by ‘mate’ you mean…

-To have sexual congress. _Pon farr_ is a reproductive cycle, that strikes every seven years after the first Time. A mating bond is spontaneously formed during it, unless it is preexistent.

-And you haven’t yet…

-Negative. Vulcans take longer to reach maturity than humans, under normal circumstances I would have at least two years before I could expect my first Time to arrive.

Spock’s eyes were fixed on the abandoned chess board, and he watched from the corner of his eyes Jim’s perplexed expression as he got up from his set and walked to the cabinet where he kept what he called his ‘real’ drinks. He poured himself a glass of what Spock assumed to be illegally obtained alcohol, drank it, refilled his glass and then came back to sit in front of Spock.

-How have I never heard of this? I am pretty sure there isn’t anything on mating cycles on the Federation _or_ Starfleet’s databases on Vulcans.

-There isn’t. This is a deeply guarded secret, something we barely discuss between ourselves when it is unavoidable, and never with outworlders.

-Why? I mean, it sounds a little far-fetched but it’s hardly the weirdest thing we have come across.

-Because it is shameful -he stated and calmly met Jim’s startled gaze-, a time of absolute madness. A Vulcan experiencing _plak tow,_ or ‘blood fever’, the final stage of _pon farr_ , is a dangerous creature who knows no control, no logic, no reason. It is enslaved to his impulses, to the drive to mate, hardly more than a crazed animal. Those who for some reason fail to do so, die -he could see sudden understanding in Jim’s eyes-. I do not need to explain to you how this is anathema to everything we are, everything we have become. A shameful remainder of our violent past.

Jim nodded at him with solemn blue eyes -I understand. Thanks for trusting me with this. It couldn’t have been easy.

Spock picked up his tea to find it had gone cold.

-It was easier than I expected. There is no other I trust as I do you.

Jim’s pleased, somewhat vulnerable smile was the kind that made him ache with longing.

-What would happen if it, well, _happens_ before we reach the colony?

-Then I would trust you to take me there on time -he paused-. If it were impossible to do so, I would die.

Jim was shaking his head in denial.

-I would never let that happen to you -he said fervently-. I will miss you.

He allowed the corner of his mouth to lift in a subtle smile, even though it tasted bitter.

-I will miss you as well, Jim.


End file.
